Okay, hands down. I feel its time for an honest
update, without the cosmic blingbling. Some people feel I'm out of touch/reach and I guess that's a solid feeling. Actually, I feel the same. Let me give you a little insight in what's going on
and in how things are going. Like, really going.
As you might know I lived in Hamburg for years and I hands down loved it. But at some point all the roads have been taken and I felt I needed a shift, a change, needed to leave in order to grow. So, Lukas (my angel boyfriend) and I decided to move to cologne. It seemed to be the next step - the seemingly only other city in germany where I felt I would want to live, also closer to both our families and a fresh start with new space for things to unfold. Sounds great? Indeed! Only, it was not.
When we didn't find a flat at first, we just decided to spend the month of September in our bus at a camp site near cologne. It felt adventurous and exciting doing that and looking back I really enjoyed the time there, surrounded by trees and birds and my love. We cooked outside, played stupid games in candle light and connected on a deeper level. Unfortunately we were also surrounded by some people with questionable life views, I didn't have access to any of my stuff and the fresh start didn't actually take place in cologne but at a random camp site somewhere off. I missed my friends. I missed being surrounded by my stuff, by myself. I felt free - and disconnected.
We were still searching for flat back then and got disappointed again and again. That's the thing as a creative - people love to admire your 'courage to do what you love' up to the point where they have to accept you as a trustworthy human being ::)
An artist and a barista looking for a flat is no solid foundation for people owning houses (omg a WHOLE NEW OTHER TOPIC I COULD RANT ABOUT)
So, what happened next? We have had no other choice but to move in at Lukas aunts space. She has been (and still is) the absolute angel and I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate her giving us space and welcoming us with open arms.
As an introvert, who has lived alone for four years before, this was overwhelming. I have pushed myself from having so much space, having built my magic flat where I could recharge and create , to having no space at all, being surrounded by family all the time and having no place to create. It took my breath away. I mean it. I found myself crying, feeling a part of me has died. I longed for the old version of me, that I felt Ieft behind. It felt like she was boxed up with all my stuff - in a room far away from me. I lost track of who I am. Only then did I realize how identity-forming the objects that surround us are. How a space filled with all your belongings gives you a space to belong. How deeply I craved my own space, where I could dance naked, where I could burn sage, draw, cry loudly, create, sing, shower at 2am in the morning, express myself freely. I got lost in functioning, and so did the magic. The world where i felt I always belonged shut down (because I did). I went straight into a creative crisis. The place of phantasy was occupied by dark clouds of doubt, anxiety and powerlessness. I felt so so old and as if I was living someone else's life. Lukas felt quite the same and something i am really proud of is how well we managed to stay loving with each other, to support each other and continuously talked through our needs and feelings. We both felt we needed to change something. We moved into a sublease where we will stay until the end of March. It's a one room apartment, which would feel to small for many people (I heard), but for us it's an enormous shift. It's now our own flat and I don't particularly love everything about it, but it is a safe space to enlive until spring time. And what's the plan after that? Well, we'll spice things up and leave Germany. True to the motto: if it doesn't open, maybe it's not your door.